DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself"
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
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I'm going for the inner peace:

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil
proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you
have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to
see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the
house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of
Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old
Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and
a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

A cattle rancher outside Nashville was working

his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby.

After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound
was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near
the calf's tail.

Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he
heard the University of Tennessee fight song, 'Rocky Top'.

Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal
to a vet in Nashville .

When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told
him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen.
He casually agreed he heard the University of Tennessee
fight song, but didn't seem particularly excited.

'Man, this is unbelievable! How can you stand there and not be amazed?' the farmer asked.

The vet, a third generation University of Kentucky
graduate, said, 'Hell, Bud, I'm a Wildcat Fan, and I've been
listening to assholes sing that song my whole life.'

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... Write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played
the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to
be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up
some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would
shrink in size. But, she warned her not to eat any of the green
persimmons because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up
and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.


The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon
tewday.'

Waiting in Line at Walmart

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.