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CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it just died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!"
EXPOSURE A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within a half hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
FINALLY, NAMING THE DOGS! A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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Statistics have shown that one in four people are mentally challenged. Check out three people you know. If they're okay, it's you.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
| I love this Doctor  Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' |
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'
Little Boy's Letter To God
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the Postal authorities received the letter to God, USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC!, and those idiots deducted $95.00 in taxes!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Disorder in the courts
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Thursday, May 21, 2009
Mothers
Leftovers from Mother’s Day….so what Mom doesn’t do leftovers!!
REAL MOTHERS…
Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried Playdough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask, “Why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “Because I love you best.”
Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade. It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom…
=======================================
THE IMAGES OF MOTHER
4 years old: My Mommy can do anything!
8 years old: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 years old: My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 years old: Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either.
16 years old: Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 years old: That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 years old: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 years old: Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.
45 years old: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 years old: Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
8 years old: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 years old: My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 years old: Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either.
16 years old: Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 years old: That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 years old: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 years old: Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.
45 years old: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 years old: Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
today’sTHOUGHT============================
DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it…
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Garter Snakes can be dangerous...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous.
Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Frankenmuth, Michigan, had a lot of potted plants. During
a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa..
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room
naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded
him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher..
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with
a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where
she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR
to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out
and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the
snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of
whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here......
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred.. They were about to arrest them all, when
the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
dangerous.
Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Frankenmuth, Michigan, had a lot of potted plants. During
a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa..
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room
naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded
him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher..
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with
a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where
she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR
to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out
and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the
snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of
whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here......
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred.. They were about to arrest them all, when
the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one
of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and,
as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped
out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when
they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city
block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house
was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all
was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
So my dear friend, even though you have heard they are "harmless"
leave them there Thamnophissirtalis alone.
sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one
of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and,
as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped
out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when
they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city
block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house
was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all
was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
So my dear friend, even though you have heard they are "harmless"
leave them there Thamnophissirtalis alone.
Sometimes it helps to be old
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-- fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile..'
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-- fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile..'
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
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