Oil Change Instructions

Oil Change instructions for Women:


1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle..

Money spent:

Oil Change:

$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
==========

Oil Change instructions for Men :


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car..

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16" box wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent( adjustable) wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan..

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands..

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20..00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH.......
AND TO ANY MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT....

Sometimes it helps to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile..'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

What would YOU wish for?

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yes, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looks at his wife and says, "Gee honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses, what do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and says, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune I guess I wouldn't mind. But what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband, "and I would do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman go upstairs where they spend the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolls over and looks directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"