An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went.

She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.





He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'



The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.


As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'



<>
So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.



THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?




COME ON GUESS!


OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DONT BE A POOP!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE

FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old ....... NOT DEAD !!!!!


OLD LADIES ROCK

Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.'

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE .. and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option . even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah .. and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.

President Hillary

January 1 2009

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton Was sworn in today as President.

She has disposed of Bill and is spending her
first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.

FIRST NIGHT

Suddenly!

The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"


Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

SECOND NIGHT

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh!" Says Hillary, "I really don't want to do that."

THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"


Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

Granny goes to court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs a t cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before yo u make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

One for the ladies.......
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting
do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'



'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the
shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for
his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
---- -------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it! (I
don't know 5 bright men!)

Marriage Funnies

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

__________

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

__________

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

__________

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

__________

"A Woman's Prayer:
De ar Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife, and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

* * * * * * * * * * *

If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! They like Johnny too ya know!

New Technology

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year- old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

May we see the new baby?" one asked.

Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now ?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN! HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. OKAY?????"

A pirate walked into a bar.......

....and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.
I'm fine, really.'

'Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.'

'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird crap?'

Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'

The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes...
.... and pissing in cokes?"

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES!

REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Men are like...

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize
it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.


Men
are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate
the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they
are.

3.Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change
them.

4. Men are like Blenders You
need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for
your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials .
You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2
off!

8.Men are like .. Government Bonds ....
They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually
run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how
many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very
bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the
good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any
understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to
know !!!!!!!!!!

Smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America ?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

Girl's night out

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor. The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem angry in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh!#$.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

Al's underwear

One evening AL, thinking he was being funny, said to JAN 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' Jan was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning Al took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Jan,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!!!

Dear Friends and Relatives:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise
$5,000,000.00 for a monument of Hillary Clinton's heroic stand under
Bosnian sniper fire.

We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall Of Fame. We are having a bit of difficulty as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson & Barak Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.

He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned without knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after
taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank you,

Hillary Clinton Monument Committee

P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.

P.P.S And another thing... Now let me get this straight. Bill Clinton is getting $12 Million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything!?!

God Bless America!

A Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied. 'I
can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?

'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my
mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the
Navy.'

USRSF

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

Can you solve this puzzle?

Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' She asked.
'Hunting Flies' He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

**********************************************************

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

**********************************************************

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

**********************************************************

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1 -- You believe in Santa Claus.
2 -- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3 -- You are Santa Claus.
4 -- You look like Santa Claus.

**********************************************************

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 17 success is...having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants.

Monday Morning chuckle!

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts... At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50, please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies,' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18 She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife.'Honey,'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'

A Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan! This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I
want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation
roared.

Flag pole

Ray & Bubba
(Alabama mechanical engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'
and walked away.


Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense ,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'


'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'


'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'


'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'